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Writer's pictureCJ Barber

Married for 16 years - what's the secret?


Today I've been married to my husband 16 years (together for 22) and I thought I would share with you things I've learned about relationships over time we've been together, so here goes:


1 - Never assume - I'm sure you've heard the saying 'assumption is the mother of all f*ck ups' and I couldn't agree more. Over time, I've learned that to assume is to expect and to expect is to feel entitled and to feel entitled is to think you are better than another!


2 - If you want/need something done - ASK!! - I don't know how many times I've had discussions with friends and family about what there partners do or don't do. The big question here is 'But did you ASK them to do it', or did you just 'expect' them to do it without you asking. We all know, men think differently to women, they have different priorities. Whilst the washing and cleaning the house might be on my mind at various times during the week, it might not be on my husband's mind, so to expect him know that I wanted the house hoovered, the bathroom cleaned or the washing put is a recipe for disaster. I once met the most beautiful old couple and the husband said to me, "you know the key to our long lasting relationship is communication, but more importantly, if we wanted something done, we would ask each other, we never assumed the other would do it, without being asked". I couldn't agree more.

3 - Everyone has their own perspective - when you learn to see your partner's side of things, then you can gain a better understand and appreciation of what they might be going through. It's not all about you, there are always two sides to things, you just have to be willing to see both sides. We teach this in our Kids Life Coaching programme and

4 - Communicate your feelings - OK, so this goes hand in hand with points 1 and 2, but it actually goes a bit deeper than that, communication is the key to ALL relationships. When you communicate your feelings, you build deeper and long lasting connections with that person. You also open yourself up to be vulnerable (which is scary for some people), but when you communication how you are feeling, you give the other person the chance to be empathic, help problem solve, or just simply be there to hear you out! I probably communicate a little too much for my husband's liking, lol!

5 - Ride the waves - relationships are not all plain sailing and if you have a long standing relationship and you have never had any downs, then I applaud you, but due to circumstances that occur along the way, ups and downs are inevitable. The key here again is 'communication'. We all have times of stress, times when we are so busy we barely see our partners, or events that happen in our lives that throw us completely off course, but if you can find it in yourself to ask for help in those situations, or ask for your partner to bear with you, while you are going through a tough time, then that is the mark of a solid relationship.

6 - You don't have to be happy all the time - an impossible ask for anyone, I'm sure. You don't need to be positive and happy all the time, life can get you down sometimes and that's OK, as long as you recognise it and communicate that to your partner.


7 - Spend time together on your own - this doesn't have to be doing anything fancy, it can simply be sitting on the sofa together and watching a film, or eating together at the table, giving each other some undivided attention. I know this is hard when you have kids (especially the teens that can now stay awake later than you can). But any time you can have alone is well worth it. It helps build bonds and intimacy.


8 - Be your partners cheer leader - tell your partner you are proud of them, celebrate their win's, encourage them to push themselves and support them with what ever they decide to do, as long as it's to the benefit of your relationship and your future.

9 - Set Goals - I've learned recently the importance of setting goals and having a master plan! We've both just gone through a process of highlighting what we want to achieve within the next year and how we plan to do this. It was a really liberating and enlightening experience, we both found out some interesting stuff about each other (even after 22 years).

10 - Hug daily - those that know me, know how important a hug is to me, I LOVE A HUG. But, there is a lot of science behind a hug. Neurochemicals including the hormone oxytocin, plays an important role in social bonding, it slows down heart rate and reduces stress and anxiety levels. The release of endorphins in the brain's reward pathways supports the immediate feelings of pleasure and well-being derived from a hug. So do it often to reduce your stress and improve your well-being!


So there you have it and even better, all the things I've listed above are actually key ingredients for your relationships with your kids too, so why not try them out and see how your relationships grow.


Good luck to you all and I wish you happy, strong and healthy relationships

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