Let's be honest, this topic isn't an easy one to address for sure, but I feel compelled to share some really insightful information I uncovered in my latest audiobook "Helping Teens Who Cut" by Michael Hollander.
Understanding self-harming behaviour is really useful when dealing with young people, especially as a Kids Life Coach but also as a parent. I am sure you will find some of this information as interesting and useful as I did, even if you don't suspect your teen of self-harming behaviour there is some excellent advice on how to actually communicate with your teen and that's one of the biggest takeaways for me, that and the real reasons behind why teens cut!
Michael Hollander's book is not just a resource; it's a beacon for parents navigating the rough seas of understanding self-harm. The act of cutting, a form of self-injury, is often misunderstood and shrouded in stigma. Hollander, with his profound expertise, provides clarity on why some teens turn to this coping mechanism. He emphasises that this behaviour is usually a sign of deeper emotional distress and not merely attention-seeking or a manipulative act, which I must admit was my first thought (ignorantly) but as you go through the book you will start to uncover the truth but I've summarised some key insights for you below:
Key insights for parents:
Understanding the why:
One of the most pivotal insights from Hollander is the exploration into the reasons behind self-harming behaviours. Many parents may assume it's a cry for attention, or worse a pre-cursor to suicide. These reasons offer a deeper understanding of the complex psychological landscape that some teenagers navigate:
Control over pain: For some teens, physical pain from cutting can feel more manageable than emotional pain, giving them a sense of control over their suffering.
Expression of emotional pain: Teens might use cutting as a physical manifestation of their emotional distress, especially when they find it hard to express their feelings verbally.
Punishment: Some teens view self-harm as a method of self-punishment due to feelings of guilt, shame, or low self-esteem.
Interrupting emotional numbness: For those who feel emotionally numb or disconnected from the world, the physical pain of cutting can serve as a way to feel something real and tangible.
Coping with trauma: Teens who have experienced traumatic events may resort to cutting as a coping mechanism to deal with the overwhelming emotions related to their trauma.
Seeking relief: The act of cutting can release endorphins, creating a temporary sense of relief from psychological distress.
Communication of distress: Sometimes, teens might not know how to verbally ask for help. Cutting can be a visible sign of their inner turmoil, signalling a cry for support.
Establishing identity: Adolescence is a time of identity exploration. Some teens might use cutting as a way to explore their identity or as a form of rebellion against societal norms.
Influence and social factors: Peer influence, online communities, and social media can also play roles in why some teens start to cut, especially if they are exposed to others who self-harm.
Hollander emphasises the importance of understanding these underlying reasons without judgment, encouraging open communication, and seeking professional help to address the root causes of self-harm. The goal is to help teens develop healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions and stresses.
Communication is key:
Hollander stresses the importance of open, non-judgmental communication. Approaching your teen with accusations or anger only serves to widen the gap between you. Instead, it's vital to create a safe space where your teen feels comfortable sharing their feelings.
Professional help is crucial:
The journey to healing often requires professional guidance. Therapists trained in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) can provide the tools and strategies necessary for teens to manage their emotions in healthier ways.
Parental support: Parents play a critical role in their teen's recovery process. Hollander offers practical advice on how to be supportive, such as educating oneself about self-harm, being physically present, and reinforcing the idea that the teen is loved and valued, irrespective of their struggles.
The Role of DBT
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) emerges as a ray of hope in Hollander's guide. Originally developed to treat borderline personality disorder, DBT has proven highly effective for individuals struggling with self-harm. Its core lies in the balance between acceptance and change—dialectics, which teach that two seemingly opposite strategies can coexist and be synthesised for emotional regulation.
DBT focuses on four key areas:
Mindfulness: Teaching teens to live in the moment and accept their current emotional state without judgment.
Distress Tolerance: Helping them understand and tolerate pain without resorting to self-injury.
Emotion Regulation: Offering strategies to manage and change intense emotions that are causing distress.
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Developing skills to navigate personal relationships in a healthy and assertive manner.
"Helping Teens Who Cut" does more than just outline the problem of self-injury among teens; it offers a path to understanding and healing that is grounded in compassion and informed by clinical expertise. The book's real-life examples and the detailed exploration of DBT illustrate that recovery is not only possible but achievable with the right support and strategies.
For parents and caregivers, this work serves as a reminder that their role is pivotal in their teen's recovery journey. By fostering open communication, seeking professional help, and adopting a compassionate approach, they can guide their teens through the turbulent waters of emotional distress towards a shore of resilience and hope.
I am always here to help, please reach out to me if you would like additional support for your child.
I hope this helps!
Good Luck Parents.
Love CJ x
Michael Hollander's book is available on Amazon:
You can also check out the Counselling Director for information on DBT and to find a Counsellor