What exactly is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is your overall opinion of yourself — how you feel about your abilities and limitations. When you have healthy self-esteem, you feel good about yourself and see yourself as deserving of the respect of others.
When I was young my self-esteem was very low, how do I know this? I know this because when I moved into my teenage years, I did everything I could to be someone else, something different, I wasn't me, I went with the crowd, did things I didn't want to do, and couldn't say no, kept quiet when things were happening that shouldn't have, I had no sense of self, or self-worth. I felt insecure, did not belong and although I appeared to have confidence, I didn't really.
So, how did this manifest as I got older? In my first 'proper' relationship, as a young teenage girl, I suffered physical and mental abuse which I accepted because I felt worthless, I honestly believe now, that if I were able to speak to someone about how I was feeling, I never would have accepted a relationship like the one I experienced when I was 17. This is where my passion for helping pre-teen and teenage girls comes from.
I was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I worked really hard at school to educate myself because I felt I needed to prove something to everyone. That I was worth something. This caused me a lot of stress at the time, I put huge amounts of pressure on myself to be good at all my subjects, and I shut myself off from friends so that I could work hard to get the best grades possible and do well. To be honest, I still work really hard, but rather than proving something to others, I do it because I absolutely love learning. Being able to pass on what I have learned, not only to my own children but to the wonderful children I coach, makes me truly happy.
So, what are the signs of low self-esteem:
believing that others are better than you.
finding it difficult to express your needs.
focussing on your weaknesses.
frequently experiencing fear, self-doubt, and worry.
having a negative outlook on life and feeling a lack of control.
having an intense fear of failure.
trouble accepting positive feedback.
difficulty saying no and setting boundaries.
putting other people's needs before your own.
struggling with confidence.
If you feel that your child is suffering from any of the above, there are things that you can do to help, I would suggest being on hand to listen to them when they want to talk. Don't give advice unless they ask for it, but you can suggest the following:
Help them recognise what they are good at - it could be cooking, art, singing or being a great friend, encourage them to do things that make them feel good about themselves.
Help them build positive relationships - certain people can bring them down, encourage them to spend less time with those people and more time with people who are positive and appreciate them.
Encourage them to be kind to themselves - being too self-critical can have a detrimental effect on self-esteem, so we need to encourage them to be kind to themselves. This is something we teach in our coaching programme through the power of self-talk.
Help them to be more assertive - learning to respect other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same in return is really important. Show them how others act assertively and get them to copy what they do.
Learn how to say "no" - this is a skill that many people struggle to develop, even into adulthood, but learning from a young age how to say no when you don't want to do things, will give them a greater sense of control. When we do things we don't want to because we can't say no, this can have a negative impact on our self-esteem. It can also put us at risk of becoming overburdened, angry, depressed and resentful.
Encourage your child to do something that challenges them - when we feel nervous or afraid to do things we let our feelings stop us from achieving our goals. Trying things like joining an after school club or going to a social occasion can help increase self-esteem. We use goal setting in our coaching programme for this very reason.
What influences your self-esteem?
Your beliefs on the type of person you are, what you can do, your strengths, your weaknesses and your expectations of your future all influence your self-esteem.
When we respect people in our lives, such as our parents or a really good teacher we take on their views about us as our own and we measure ourselves against their expectations, if we let them down (or at least we think we have), this can have a negative impact on our self-esteem if we are unable to talk to them about how something we have said or done has affected us. By the same token, when the people we love and respect boost our self-esteem, this can have a long-lasting positive effect on our lives.
So, remember to be mindful about what you say to your children. Think about whether what you are saying is going to impact them positively or negatively, and boost or lower their self-esteem. The words we speak to our children will resonate for years to come, so make them positive and uplifting.
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