Let's talk - Going Out with friends! - I'm not ready for that!

So, I have no science for you on this! But what I can share with you is my experiences with the going out lark so far!

It took me quite a while to let my eldest daughter go to the shop on her own. She was 12 and I put a tracking app on her phone, regardless, I still spent the entire 20 mins she was gone pacing the kitchen and asking my husband to call her regularly (so that she didn't think I was the crazy one). But, it turns out, she was perfectly capable of going to the Coop on her own and my worries were unfounded on this occasion. What I should have been more worried about was the freedom she had in the Coop and her decision to buy a tonne of chocolate, lols. But, in her defence, she did bring me home my favourite bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk.

How much should we wrap our children up in cotton wool and how much freedom should we give them? In my opinion, this is totally different for each child and each parent. There is no hard and fast rule. You both have to be comfortable with it. For me, it didn't feel right until she was 12, but for others, they may allow this additional freedom at a much younger age, some maybe even older.

Now, if you think the above sounded difficult for me, wait until you hear my story about the first time she went out with a group of girlfriends! She was having a sleepover at our house and asked if she could go to the local high street to get a chip supper for herself and her friends. Sweet, I thought, no need for me to cook for them and chips are far cheaper than Pizza!! So off she went for the first time ever and what did I do. Did I continue with my normal business, relaxed and chilled about the whole situation? Did I heck! I texted her regularly asking where she was, even though I knew and when it started to get a little bit dark, I was on her case immediately about getting home because I didn't want her out after dark. Unfortunately, she pushed the boundaries on this occasion and when she did arrive home, it was already dark. I was unimpressed, to say the least, and told her that I would not give her this freedom again if she can't respect my wishes. After a few tears (mainly mine), she apologised and I saw it from her perspective, she was out with friends who go out a lot on their own and she was having trouble rounding them up in order to get them back to our house. So, not entirely her fault.

Anyhow, why am I telling you all this? Well, I wanted you to know that being a parent is about the give and take, but it really ramps up when your child starts going out without you. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking it's all about you, whilst forgetting that they are out exploring the world (well not quite) and experiencing things that you won't know everything about and that's OK. But boy is it hard! When they are younger, you know their every move, because you are right there beside them. But when they are out with a group of friends, you have absolutely no control and they can do whatever they like. I have found this particularly challenging, but I have realised that I can't keep pushing my fears onto my children. They are little humans in their own right and have their own destiny, it's my job to guide them, not control them!

Remember that it is good for teenagers to go out without an adult when they’re ready and here's why:

- it helps them to build skills essential for life, such as navigating their way from the train station to the library, solving problems if they miss their train, or making decisions on how they are going to spend their day.

- it encourages physical activity, so, they won't have you to take them here there and everywhere and will need to walk, bike, take public transport in order to get to where they need to be.

- it helps promote good mental health because they will feel more independent and this can help build confidence and self-esteem.

If, like me, you were not ready for a complete change, then take a gradual approach to independence by taking steps, for example, if your child wants to go Bowling with their friends, then you could do the following:

- Step 1 - drive them to the Bowling Alley, drop them off and then collect them straight after they've finished.

- Step 2 - allow your child to independently travel to the Bowling Alley with their friends but pick them up straight after they have finished.

- Step 3 - allow them to travel independently to and from the Bowling Alley with friends, but they must come home straight after.

- Step 4 - allow them to travel independently to and from the Bowling Alley with friends, but rather than coming home straight after, they get to spend an agreed amount of time at the shops with their friends, but must be home at the time agreed.

Ultimately, these steps are up to you and your child and are just intended to give you an idea of how you can help develop your child's independence. I'll be honest with you, I'm only at Step 1 with my daughter!

If you are completely unsure as to whether you feel your child is ready, then ask yourself these questions:

- If they get lost, will your child know what to do

- Can your child recognise unsafe and safe places and situations?

- Do you consider the place your child is going, to be safe?

- Does your child reliably follow instructions or family rules?

- How well can your child handle peer pressure? For example, can they say no if they’re pressured to try risky things, like smoking or binge-drinking?

- Can your child contact you on their mobile phone, if they need to?

- Who will your child be with, will it be with someone you trust or will there be safe people nearby in case your child needs help – for example, a close friend, police officers or store employees?

- Do you and your child feel comfortable and confident with your child having this next level of independence?

If you answered yes to most or all of these questions then your child could well be ready, if you answered no, fear not, it just means you need to do a little more work with them to help increase their independence.

Don't be bullied into letting your child do whatever they want. Believe me, when it comes to going out, your child has become an expert manipulator, with the ability to talk you into more than you are happy to give. So if that happens, just remember to apply some rules and make sure you stick to them:

- make sure you establish where your child can go – for example, your child is allowed to visit public places and friends’ houses within your town or within a certain area but not venture further without discussing with you first.

- when your child needs to contact you and how – for example, your child needs to call you if there’s been a change of plans, they don’t feel safe or they feel unwell.

- who your child will be with – for example, if they say they are going to their friends Sarah's but they are actually with Charlotte!

- how your child plans to travel – for example, they need to take public transport instead of walking the streets alone

I hope these small insights help.

Good luck parents x