Confidence is a quiet inner knowledge that you are capable of doing something. You are sure of yourself and your abilities, but not in an arrogant way. It's not about feeling superior to others.
Someone who has a false sense of confidence won't like being asked questions and are too focused on appearing confident and speaking and acting the right way, so when they are hit with questions they haven't prepared for, it will catch them off guard, they can also come across as cocky, reckless and brash.
If I'm honest, I would have taken any version of confidence with my daughters, so at least I had something to work with, because trying to build confidence in a child is so hard and it can be knocked down as easily as it is built when they are growing up. If you've got what some would call a 'cocky' child you are part way there! You just need to help them channel it properly so it doesn't continue to manifest that way permanently.
When people talk about confidence it can often be misconstrued as 'cocky', or 'full of yourself', but when it comes to instilling it in your children, I'll take any version of it to start with that's for sure. Trying to build confidence in a child is so hard to build and it can be knocked so easily as they grow up. So believe me, if you've got what some would call a 'cocky', 'full of themselves' child you are part way there! You just need to help them channel it properly so it doesn't continue to manifest that way permanently.
I think confidence is a really difficult one to pin down. You might be a really confident swimmer but when it comes to playing netball, you might have no confidence at all, which ties it down a lot to doing things you think you are good at. So if that was the case, in order to build your confidence then focus on the things you are good at and build it up that way. One of the things we focus on as Kids Life Coaches are all the things that your child loves about themselves and all the things their friends and family love about them and we use that to create a picture of the best version of themselves so that they can take that forward into everything they do.
Building confidence in preteen and teenagers can really help make them feel safe, so that they can make informed decisions and avoid certain people or situations that aren't right for them. When lacking in confidence they can often make poor choices which can result in behaviours that can leave them feeling guilty, ashamed or disappointed.
A confident child will tend to display positive, engaging and enthusiastic tendencies and be persistent and assertive.
A child who is not confident will be less likely to get involved with activities, hold back at school, give in to peer pressure, and not try things that they think they might fail at.
This is how it might look in a real life situation, your daughter has friendship issues and is not very confident, that might result in her thinking it was all her fault, taking the blame to please others and be really upset for a while. This could affect her self-esteem and leave her feeling like she isn't a good friend at all.
If you daughter has friendship issues and is confident, this might result in her being upset for a short while but bouncing back fairly quickly because she can focus on the positive aspects of her life, like her other friends or family that care for her. She is confident that the friendship issues aren't because she is a bad friend.
I have been working with one of my daughters in regards to her confidence and I am now starting to see the seeds I've sown a few months ago starting to grow, she is much happier with her decision making, is more involved in school (which has been clearly demonstrated by a sizeable increase in the number of merits she is receiving) and she is less affected by friendship issues. But all this has taken time and persistence and a shed load of empathy.
If you think that your daughter could benefit from a boost in her confidence then here are some things you can try
Give your daughter the opportunity to try new things
You child could be sitting in an unknown skill or ability that you or her aren't aware of, so let her get involved as much as possible at trying new things, she will soon learn that it is possible to be really good at some things and not so good at others, and that is OK!
Encourage a 'can do' attitude
It's so easy for a child to say 'I can't do it' but if they get in to the habit of saying this, then they start to believe it and that results in them not even bothering to try. Help them to build a confidence mindset by telling themselves that 'they can do it, if they put their mind to it'.
Encourage your daughter to keep trying
If your daughter tries something and fails, then encourage her to have another try. If they give up at the first hurdle, this can really affect their confidence, because they will feel they are no good at anything. It's OK to fail, everyone does, but not every one gives up! Practice makes progress and when they keep trying this helps foster a growth mindset, rather than a fixed mindset.
Be a role model, have confidence in your own ability
For example, you have a presentation to do and you are worried about it, your child sees you practicing and running though it over and over, perhaps you ask for their help, they will see that in order to improve confidence you need to practice and prepare for what's ahead.
Coach them to act more confident, until they believe it
Taking on the persona of acting confidently can actually help your child to feel confident. You could suggest they make eye contact with others, smile, dress in a way that makes them good about themselves, and think about their body posture i.e walking tall with shoulders back, this will help them to feel confident..
Do more of what they love
Encouraging them to do more of what they love can help build confidence and walk away initially from situations they know aren’t good for them and that will affect their confidence.
Help them improve their social skills
This is something we coach children on in our sessions, helping them to use communication in a positive way, by showing interest in other people and joining in conversations, which can help build confidence.
Give your daughter praise for effort
If your daughter had a test at school, or missed a goal in netball or tried something that didn't quite come off for them, make sure you praise the effort, not the outcome. The outcome really isn't that important if you want to boost their confidence, showing them you are proud of the effort they put in, is far better than focussing on the result of their effort.
Challenge them to do things outside of their comfort zone
I've been doing things outside my comfort zone recently and it really does boost confidence. It's easy to only go for things that you know you can do and therefore never truly push yourself, but if you encourage your daughter to pick something they would only do if they had more confidence like 'putting their hand up in class' or 'calling up a restaurant to book a table', this will help boost their confidence.
Confidence building is very much a life skill that we all need to learn and it continues to develop and grow throughout our entire lives, so teaching children at a young age, will help them as they go through their teenage years to be more assertive, make good decisions, focus on what's best for them and get the most out of their life.
If you feel that your daughter would benefit more from having one to one coaching in a safe and non judgemental environment, to help boost her confidence, then please feel to contact me, I would be more than happy to coach her.
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